There are some blogs that I really take my time working out in my head before I even attempt writing them down.  I know having an audience of parents is sometimes a touchy thing but thankfully I seem to have done a good job at it since I haven’t received even one piece of hate mail.  I hope I can convey my thoughts so that no one gets defensive on this one either.  I want to talk about manners! 

For me the topic of manners encompasses so much.  In fact, I think it’ll cover a few topics that you all have requested I write about.  Manners are how we relate to one another.  They are expected, and sometimes unexpected, social graces that help us interact with others without being offensive. Sometimes they are just followed because they are social etiquette or local customs.  Other times we go over the top with our etiquette because we either want to impress someone or we really want to let someone know how much we truly appreciate them.

There was a blog that circulated a few months ago where the title was about not making their kids say please and thank you.  Admittedly I never read it nor do I remember the correct title but it definitely made me think how I wanted approach the topic since I had been asked to do so.

Not too long ago, I had a family over for a holiday dinner.  I spent a considerable amount of time, effort and more money than I should have preparing the meal for the day.  It was originally planned that we would cook together.  Instead I was given very short notice that they would show up way too late to help with anything.  Some of what I made wasn’t even touched.  The husband was sitting on the couch most of the visit, yawning and avoiding conversation, clearly looking like he would rather have been home.  While it was great to have the company, I would have wished that they had the manners to have cancelled on us if they weren’t feeling up to coming.  I have friends that would have LOVED to have been here in their place.  I felt no gratitude coming from them for all the work I had done to make the day special.  Admittedly, I didn’t notice it the day of but it kind of sank in the next day when I felt more depleted than I should have because the exchange of energy wasn’t even.

So what did this teach their kids?  This goes way beyond saying please and thank you, doesn’t it?  It demonstrated to them that if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to appreciate what someone else does for you.  It demonstrates self-absorption.  Don’t get me wrong though.  I am really glad I gave my all to the day.  I truly believe no act of kindness is wasted even when it’s not noticed or appreciated.  My own family appreciated it so that was good enough for me.

To give you another example, it recently came to my attention that one of the friends that had recently gone down a path that was not healthy for me to follow them on was complaining that I wasn’t supporting them anymore.  While it was kind of nice that they did notice how much support I did have for them, and still do actually even if it’s from a healthier distance, it made me realize that I never had one bit of support for anything I did come from them.

Both of these examples demonstrate how manners come from gratitude.  If you live in gratitude for others around you, you make the effort to let them know.  You don’t do it for show in front of others but more meaningfully.  You support people you care about.  You don’t just take what others have to give without wanting to do so back.  Sometimes people just aren’t yet capable of thinking of others without getting some sort of direct benefit from it; even if it’s only to get approval.  They haven’t learned the gift of gratitude.  It’s not only a gift to others but it is a gift to yourself as well.

As for setting the right example of gratitude for my kids, I encourage my kids to say "Please" and "Thank You" because it makes them stop and appreciate the other person.  It’s not so much as a puppetry as it is a habit I want them to get into.  I want them to be in the habit of stopping… and noticing!  I believe it helps them redirect their energy to the other person and not in the receiving for their own benefit.  It helps them be in the habit of not being self absorbed all the time.  I really believe this simple act can be a seed to discipline.  Aren’t many issues with discipline really because your child doesn’t understand the full picture of what’s going on including the needs and desires of the people around them?  Beyond "Please" and "Thank You", I am in the habit of pointing out to my kids whenever someone does something sincerely thoughtful.  They also see me practice gratitude when I let someone know how much I appreciate them.

Recently I learned that practicing gratitude rewires neural pathways that lead to more happiness.  I have seen this happen myself.  When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I had just gone through personal hell.  Both of my parents had died, the rest of my family was squabbling over money, I finally understood how much abuse I had just endured and realized I was worthy of love that I never received… it was a lot to take.  It was really difficult to process it and have very much gratitude at the time. 

When things started going well for me in the midst of all of this, I failed to recognize it right away.  My first job out of college got me a much higher salary than was average at the time.  I received a glowing two-page recommendation from my boss when we needed to relocate due to my husband’s job and I had only been working there for six months.  We were relocating to Florida – a New Englander’s dream!  I didn’t have the ability at the time to appreciate any of it very much.  It has taken me a while of trial and error to find the truth about gratitude and happiness all on my own.  Now I swear I come across as either stupid or Pollyanna because of my gratitude and optimism!  It doesn’t matter to me though because I AM happy.

The point of all of this is to maybe rethink how manners are more than just saying words for your kids.  By living in gratitude as well as giving them tools to get them on that path, your kids have more of a direct link to being happy than you probably ever imagined.

I wanted to give you all a follow up to the Learning freedom! post I had made a few months ago.  That post was about our realizing that just because my husband has been playing guitar forever doesn’t meant he knew how to break down lessons for our fourteen year old.  While our son is very self motivated, he also really enjoys one on one interaction when learning certain things.  To read more about our decision to find him a guitar teacher and sign him up for lessons you can read my Learning freedom! post.

Our judgment and decision in getting the help we needed was right on!  While I did have to remind him to practice at first, he seemed to be having no trouble at all picking it up.  We had been secretly hoping that he'd get more excited and the reminders to practice would turn into just hearing him play.

And then it happened!!  It started by him telling me that he had been learning a favorite song from one of his video games.  Out of curiosity, I asked him if it was an assignment from his teacher or was it something he wanted to do on is own.  It was so much of what he wanted to do on his own that he forgot all about what his teacher had asked him to practice!  He came in the night before his lesson asking my husband for help with the song he was supposed to be working on.

We really knew that spark was lit when he came in with a fire in his eyes asking for his own acoustic guitar the next day!  Since then he has gone to a month's more of lessons and we have decided that he is over that hump enough for my husband to take over instruction.  In fact, he has been coming to ask him about things so often that he already spends more time having instruction from dad than he does with his teacher!  That said we have decided that now is the time to pull him from lessons and let my husband totally take over.  

Our son now has his own amp and effects.  He has customized his guitar.  He even grabbed my husband's 12-string and has been playing that.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hear him practicing or learning something new. 

We are so grateful to his teacher for filling in the gap that we needed filled for the time that we needed it.  I am so glad that we tuned out certain vocal unschooling voices in the community that preach that we should just let him do it on his own.  We knew better than to let this type of learning happen through osmosis!  It just doesn't fit his learning style to do so.  We saw that he had a natural ability and wanted to do everything we could to foster it.  By recognizing that we could easily get him the help and resources he needed, we saved him from a lot of frustration. 

The lesson in this is to recognize when you need help and know when to ask for the specific help you need.  You don't have to sign up for a full program, curriculum or anything you don't see as a benefit but you never know what kind of help there is if you don't look for it.

I must also give huge props to our son's teacher, Byron Marks!  If you are in the southern NH area, he teaches at  Manchester Music Mill.  Tell him I sent you!  Also if you are looking for a new or used instrument, the Music Mill also has it's own store.

Hi! My name is Meghan Langlois, I am going to be 17 years old next week!  I live in Rye, NH with my parents, I also have two little brothers and a little sister.  My family enjoys eating a healthy, mostly vegan diet, a few of us still eat wild caught fish.  I have been a homeschooler for three years.  I like the freedom and experiences that I have being a homeschooler!  I love to draw, especially Manga.  I've been drawing since I was three years old, it has always been a huge passion of mine.  I have started a business, selling my art and am so grateful for the response!  I create anime characters and I make custom anime portraits for my customers upon request.  Other than that, I love to swim, write, surf and read.  My favorite movies currently are The Hunger Games, Breaking Dawn Part 1 and Titanic.  My favorite books currently are The Darkest Powers Trilogy and The Hunger Games.  When I'm older, I would like to continue to do something with my art skills, I'm not sure what it is just yet, but I am having fun figuring it out!